The maid of honor just puked.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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