So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
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