cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
