So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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