You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Farmville is her only friend.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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