you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
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