Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Boobs speak an international language.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
