My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
