I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
