just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
