If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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