he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
