I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
