Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
There are leaves in my underwear?
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