First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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