in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
