so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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