i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
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