Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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