and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
