I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Rumble strips road head = magical
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
