I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
