There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
