just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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