I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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