u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
