Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
