she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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