i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
