My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I need water and some morals
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
