how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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