Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
