The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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