I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
