I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Can I color on your dick again?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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