My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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