Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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