My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
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