Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
