We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
