Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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