Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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