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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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