just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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