Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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