Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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