i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
