We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
