How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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