I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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