you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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