Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
