just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
