I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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