We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
