But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Randomize
