We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
